Catégorie : Non classé

Unlovable

As I am getting older I see that I’m again and again making the same mistake. I always let myself believe that people actually care for me and allow my hope to soar up. And finally, when my feet leave the ground and I fly, it’s just mere moments and the reality crashes me down to the ground.

My heart breaks over and over and no one gives even a side glance. Even in my own family I always come last on the list of priorities. It’s really baffling how many times a heart breaks and it only gets harder to survive each time.

Am I that unlovable, that even the one friend I trust the most and love the most used me and took advantage of me. I know that I have a percentage of the responsibility for that mistake but shouldn’t they be more empathetic than taking advantage of my pushover traits. Or, am I too selfish to wish for a little attention, a bit of affection?

Sometimes I think that detaching from the world is the only solution, I even mock test being absent for some time, and as expected no one ever reach out to me. Isn’t funny? I always do my best to be there for people and when I need someone, just a listening ear, there is none.

Maybe I just really need to tap out and let down my maigre expectations from this life, let my soul die and just leave my body to live in this cruel world.

Lost

I’m at a point in my life where I don’t know where I’m going, I can’t find a purpose to look up to. I feel like I am in a dark room with nothing going on. A black canvas where everything I try to draw disappears and fades into the abyss. Weirdly enough, instead of being a calm period of my life, it is very stressful and anxiety-inducing. Maybe, it’s just me internalizing what I’ve been told by family and society since I was a toddler: my goal in life should be getting married and having babies. But furthermore, I have come to realize that I need a life partner, someone to lean on, to whom I can show all my different sides and all my vulnerabilities. I feel like crying my eyes out, yet throughout my life, I’ve been taught to be grateful for what I have and never complain. That my problems are irrelevant compared to what people face in this world. So I resort to writing about it, maybe it sounds like a silly problem, or not even one. But to me, it’s depressing and suffocating. I feel alone, not even lonely, and it is really hard to cope with all my feelings and emotions. I feel like living all my life with my family, might sound endearing to some, but to me, I just feel restricted, and it also contributed so much to the state of loneliness that I’m currently facing. Like a bird in a cage. It’s not that the owner is evil but that’s not what the bird’s life is meant to be. To make it clearer, I’ve been stripped of all my rights to make decisions in my life to the point I can’t do it on my own now. I’m making a lot of effort to be able to cope with the world and know how to navigate it. I know it sounds so privileged to complain about being sheltered and cared for by my parents for my whole life. Yet, it doesn’t diminish the impact of these problems in my life nor their importance to me. In conclusion, I chose to be selfish today and vent my emotions.

Crying out loud

Sometimes, you feel so suffocated by the weight of this life. As humans, we are very weak and fragile. I, for once, sometimes feel so tired, and I find it hard to breathe.
Life is so hard to live. Sometimes I scold myself and tell myself how could I complain. I feel that I am so ungrateful. People are dying in wars, and children around the world suffer every day, so who am I to protest. Thus, I keep telling myself that I am so spoiled; I blame myself for not being able to cope with this life of mine.
But, sometimes, it is not ingratitude. I just feel exhausted. It’s like a heavy weight that has been placed on my chest. When times like this come, I just feel like crying to relieve my pain and taking a very deep sigh to get this load off me, but it’s so difficult.
I know that I am not the only one to feel this way, so here is my modest advice to you: Do not ever keep it inside of you, cry, scream, and just get it out. In times like this, everyone has a way to overcome inexplicable and complicated feelings, whether it’s their faith, family, or friends. Because even that little cry or sigh is hard to get out without getting help.
Because we humans are so vulnerable when we face these types of situations, so naturally, we feel the need to lean on someone. So just reach out your hands, and you will find the hope you are looking for.
I for once feel like writing is a great way to soothe my heart and take the burden off my chest, as my faith is the thing that keeps me going.
P.S 1: Sorry for the grammatical mistakes
P.S 2: Picture by me.
A gift for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iSlfF8TQ9k